Editor's note: As part of CityView's commitment to filling gaps by providing reporting and information for the Fort Liberty community, our HomeFront initiative has added two columnists who will write regularly about issues military families face. Today: Aria Spears, who lives at Fort Liberty with her active-duty spouse, writes about deployment. If there's a topic you'd like for our columnists address, let us know at talk@cityviewnc.com.
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The end-of-year holiday season comes with both joys and challenges when it comes to military life. One of the greatest challenges many service members face is deployment.
For military couples, friends and families, whether the service member has been deployed or not, the prospect of deployment looms large in the background of their relationships and plans. In some units, deployments happen on short notice, so it's always necessarily helpful to live prepared.
Michelle and her spouse have experienced about three years total of separation throughout his military career. I knew she would have both a realistic and hopeful take on how to tackle deployment and reintegration from a spouse perspective.
Below you will find a snapshot of our conversation. This report has been edited for clarity and brevity.
How would you describe challenges spouses face during deployment?
Oh, where do you start? I think the hardest part is that your emotional baseline drops. You are worried about your service member. You’ve also entered a transitional phase because you have to change how your life is run. There is a heaviness that puts pressure on every aspect of your life.
When they deploy, you have to solo parent, run a house on your own, and do life without the person who fills you up and helps you rejuvenate. It’s a heaviness that can’t be described. And often, you might not fully be aware of that heaviness until they come home and you realize that you can finally take a full, complete, deep breath.
What have you found personally to be your greatest challenge?
It was a struggle to learn — and now still remember — that I don’t HAVE to do it alone. Yes, I can do it. I can make the meals, do the housework, help my kids, take care of whatever disaster Murphy throws my way, but that doesn’t mean I have to. There is no shame in being human. It’s OK to ask for and receive help. It’s a struggle to remember, but every time I let my pride down and be vulnerable with someone, I’m able to build stronger friendships with the people I let in.
With that in mind, what recommendations would you give for spouses anticipating deployments during or soon after the holiday season?
Ultimately, it is important to remember that your No. 1 priority should be helping yourself and your kids (if you have any) cope with the hard reality of your service member’s absence. It’s not about what your family or even well-meaning neighbors want. Think about what will help you cope first. Recognize and put down any shame that might be making you think it should look a specific way. It’s about what your family needs first.
That’s a great tip, because a lot of families feel pressure during the holidays as it is, and that pressure can build as families anticipate deployment. Every person’s deployment experience will be different, but what recommendations do you have for reintegration when the service member returns home?
There are a few things people tend to forget when it comes to reintegration that I think are important.
The first: Face every situation as “Us vs. The Problem” instead of “Me vs. my service member.” This will help you work as a team.
Second, keep a mindset of rebuilding instead of getting back to normal. Too much life has happened and everyone has changed. It’s OK to feel that loss, but also look forward with the focus to rebuild our relationships intentionally.
Next, never forget that transitions (like reintegration) require energy. You might not be physically doing more, but mentally and emotionally so much is happening. Give yourself space and grace.
Fourth, be upfront with all parties involved about your expectations and boundaries. It might be your significant other, family, friends, neighbors. The more you communicate about these, the faster you will be back in sync with each other.
Fifth, make sure you insert fun throughout this process. Deployments and other times of separation can be heavy, and that doesn’t just magically go away once the service member comes home. In fact, adjusting to living all together again can add some difficulties. So make sure you keep playfulness alive and well in all relationships involved!
What would you say is one of the most important things for spouses to know that are facing challenges with deployment or reintegration?
It’s important for everyone to remember that whatever they are feeling, thinking or struggling with, they aren’t the only one. It’s incredibly easy to start to feel isolated or ashamed when reintegration seems harder than it “should be.” But when you reach out in honesty to others and they are honest back, you’ll realize you are definitely not the only one facing the same struggles. When you’re honest, you can let go of the shame and realize there are communities and tools readily available to help you cope. This will help the process so things will get better.
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Anticipating a deployment, enduring a deployment and reintegration all present challenges, especially in a time when ongoing conflicts in both Ukraine and Israel threaten global security. Fort Liberty and the surrounding area host thousands of families with deployment experiences, whether past or present. There are resources both here and online where you can get support and practical help.
If you are facing deployment or reintegration challenges this holiday season, my hope is that you know you don’t have to face these challenges on your own.
Deployment and reintegration resources are available online and here in Fayetteville, Fort Liberty and beyond. Here are a few:
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Aria Spears is a writer, communications professional and civic leadership enthusiast. With a master's degree in nonprofit and civic leadership, Aria can be found exploring cities, persuading people to join local civic boards and sharing her book The Community Mapping Journal. When it comes to active-duty military family life, she believes that joy makes us strong.
